Food, Love & Me

Love is someone letting you sleep on their shoulder and them not complaining/stopping you when you drool on them.

Whoops, my bad!

Last night my boyfriend asked me why I always give him the better blanket when he stays over and risk getting cold and sick.

The answer to that was easy: When you love someone their happiness and health is more important than your own.You only really know what love is when you’re willing to do things that benefit the other person more than it benefits you. You’re willing to risk everything for their happiness because your life, for now, only makes sense with them in it.

This is why breaking up is so hard, you don’t know how do deal with the chaos without them.

Angry and I don’t know how to make it stop.

I’m not a highly emotional person. I can’t stay upset or angry for long – I just return to neutral/not caring within hours. I taught myself to try let go of emotions since you’re the only one who feels them, you’re the only one who it affect.

But I can’t let go of this anger. I’m so angry and tiny reminders keep making me more angry. I try help people. I give money to the people. But the world isn’t fair and karma doesn’t exist. People will hurt you, even people you don’t even know.

All I needed this week was someone, ANYONE, to just acknowledge that I was down. (And down is putting it lightly, more like fucking traumatised)  Just be like “I’m sorry that it happened to you, I’m sorry you were left to deal with it”…. I just needed those people I called my best friends to just ask me to get coffee with them or at least make 30 minutes out of the 11520 minutes we had  still on holiday to see me. I really believe I go out of my way to help my friends and not one who was around even bothered to see me. Yet I know myself, had it been any of them I would have offered to help them.  And I can’t believe people I have gone out of my way for didn’t even message me when hearing. All I can keep thinking about was that if I didn’t have a boyfriend I would have been completely alone. How sad it is that he was the only person who cared enough about me to spend time with me that? How come he was the only one who realise how scared I was? Actually that’s not even true. All my friends who were miles away checked on me everyday. But no one who could have actually spent time with me did the same. I feel ‘acid’ towards the world now (can’t think of a better way to describe it).

I think I’m more upset about that with my friends (or so-called friends) then I am about losing my laptop.

I’d move back to Joburg tomorrow the way I’m feeling right now.

I’m so angry and I don’t know how to make it stop.